Is Your Friend Actually A Hater?
Spot secret animosity, improve your digital hygiene, and make space for friendships—and feeds—that truly uplift you.
What I Learned About Secret Animosity in Friendship
Does humor have the ability to mask or expose the hidden dynamics in our friendships? Many of my friends would say I’m hilarious—and they’re right. When I am in my element, I can keep a group laughing with quick-witted jokes and relatable stories. But there was one friend who, at the height of my funniest moments, would cut through the laughter with a sharp “You’re so ugly.” At first, I chalked it up to her humor not landing the way she thought it would, but over time, it started to gnaw at me. It wasn’t like “that’s ugly” as if someone were to describe something wild and outlandish. It felt deliberate, personal. And what stood out most was that it was something she never said to anyone else in the group. It was just for me.
Months later, that friendship unraveled. The fallout itself had a clear enough cause, but in hindsight, I can see now that the way she truly felt about me had always been there, lurking just beneath the surface. That realization led me down a rabbit hole of reflection: why had I stayed friends with someone whose words and actions held a kind of subtle animosity? And beyond that, why had I found comfort in tolerating tension in other friendships, too?
“Everyone Won’t Like You”—But Why?
Growing up in predominantly white Portland but being born into the predominantly Black community of East St. Louis (Illinois) has shaped how I navigate relationships, especially with other Black women. And living in an international hub like New York has only added layers to that complexity. Here’s what I’ve come to understand: I’ve been compliant—perhaps even complicit—in the mean girl dynamics I’ve experienced over the years.
It’s difficult for me to admit that not all Black women are wonderful to me because I love us so much. So while some Black women may be fabulous in their own lives, it doesn’t always extend to our shared moments. Maybe it’s the delulu in me, but whenever someone doesn’t like me, it feels like an error—something that can be corrected if I can just understand “the reason.” I grew up with a mother that reminded me “Everyone isn’t going to like you” countless times, but it never quite landed. Because why wouldn’t they? Especially when their dislike feels so unwarranted?
Old Wounds in New Spaces
When I made a new friend in New York, I was cautious. She reminded me of a Black woman from Portland who had once texted me out of the blue accusing me of gossiping about her. I had no idea what she was talking about, and eventually, she