You Haven’t Met Everyone Who Is Going to Love You Yet

TL;DR: Your community is waiting to find you because you are someone worth knowing.

Plotting my next friend date like it’s a pitch deck.

The older we get, the harder it can be to form new connections. We’re juggling careers, caregiving, ambition, grief, and healing. But community still matters.

While it may be hard to believe, your girl is an introvert. I am easily drained by people and social interactions, but there’s something about my personality that’s motivated by pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I’m not exactly “quiet,” but I absolutely require recovery time after being social. Something I’ve known since childhood is that life doesn’t wait around for you to gather courage.

I remember being at a family function on my mom’s side of the family. My mom being 8 of 9 kids meant big gatherings with lots of loud voices and energy. Enter my younger brother and I—two out-of-town cousins, both soft-spoken. Whenever I said something, it would be followed by an aggressive “huh?” or just ignored completely. My brother was even more shy than I was so hearing things like “y’all gon have to speak up!” only made him more quiet. I couldn’t have been older than seven or eight, but I remember thinking: “we can’t both be shy”. Speaking up was like a game I’d play to myself. My little heart pounding, I’d take a deep breath, and allow my voice to take up space.

It was then I realized I could be introverted and love my solitude, but I couldn’t be afraid to speak out if I wanted to get what I want. And to be real, we live in an extroverted world. There’s something to be said for how the world rewards people who aren’t afraid to take up space. As the old adage goes, “fortune favors the bold.”

Being an Army Brat meant I knew how to be the new girl. With a childhood that predates the internet, moving around made it hard to hold on to long-term friendships as a kid, but it taught me a few things I wouldn’t trade. I’m adaptable. I’m observant. I’m quick to figure out how to get in where I fit in. I don’t wait to be invited to play. I ask to join in.

Because I’m an introvert, I often attend events solo. And yet, I always end up leaving with a new friend or connection. Admittedly, it’s not always the safest or smartest route, I’ve gotten myself into some crazy scenarios. Someone once said: “never go with a stranger to the second location”… turns out that’s mostly true. But being someone who does things for the plot has made my life so interesting. One time, going to the second location with a stranger landed me at an afterparty where Ratatat was DJ-ing. In fact, some of my best stories come from choosing the protagonist role in my own life. It’s trendy to call yourself a ‘main character’ these days, but do you have a complex storyline or nah? Be honest.

Lately, I’ve had a few conversations about how difficult it is to make friends in adulthood. This is very true, but it’s not impossible. Since moving to New York, I’ve had to start over. Establishing community and completely rebuilding your life in your late 30s is no joke, but I feel fortunate because I am truly my own friend first. But I am aware that new friendships in this season of life require more persistence and vulnerability than they did in my teens and 20s.

Making friends as an adult is not like it was in school. There’s no shared homeroom, no lunch table politics, so after-school clubs. Building community in adulthood requires the same energy we give our professional networks, our creative pursuits, even our wellness routines: intention, strategy, and showing up.

It’s not just you: a 2021 study from Survey Center on American Life found that the number of Americans who say they have no close friends has quadrupled since 1990. And while that might sound grim, it also means we’re not alone in this feeling. There are other grown folks out here, thriving or trying, who also want deeper connections too. According to sociologist and friendship researcher Dr. Marisa Franco, “Friendship is not a product of luck. It’s a product of effort.”

So, if you’re looking for a few good homegirls, here’s how to help them find you:

It’s not always deep. Sometimes it’s just UNO and good company.

✿ Go on the side quests

Do the thing for the plot. When I first moved to New York, I judged a Black heartthrobs lookalike competition. Random, I know. But that Sunday afternoon in Brooklyn introduced me to some of my very first homegirls. Saying yes to something quirky or unexpected can be the start of a beautiful friendship. It’s literally like starting a new chapter in a book: new settings and new characters introduced. According to psychologist Barbara Fredrickson, “shared positivity” helps build emotional bonds quickly. Meaning: if you and a stranger are laughing at the same silly moment, that’s already a seed.

✿ Get into your hobbies

Writing workshops. Photography meetups. A book club or even a pole class. Hobbies are where your people are hiding. This one is the lowest stakes. You’re already doing it for your mental health or creativity. Finding others who nerd out on the same niche thing is instant common ground. According to a 2022 Pew Research survey, nearly 60% of adults who regularly attend hobby-based meetups report forming “close or very close” friendships from them. Plus, you’ll show up more authentically when you’re doing something you love.

✿ Shoot your shot

Turn your mutuals into movement. Many of my friendships started with a DM. Reach out to the folks you vibe with online. The internet can be big and sketchy place, so this plan works best if you’re actually mutuals. Consider the people who already engage with your content, laugh at your Stories, or DM you memes and TikToks. Send the invite. Suggest a coffee, a walk, a museum day. Even if it doesn’t evolve into friendship, you’ve already modeled the type of adult you want to be: open-hearted, generous, and real.

And yes, sometimes it still feels awkward. Part of the fun is embracing that element of it too. I’ve been ghosted after a promising friend date. I’ve also connected with people only to realize we had zero chemistry offline. It happens. But I keep trying.

Not to get all self-help, but this is what I know for sure:

• Community is not built in a day.

• Vulnerability isn’t optional. It’s literally the whole thing.

• You are someone worth knowing.

Whether you’re new in town, starting over, or simply feeling disconnected from your circle, know this: friendship is still available to you. And not just performative surface friendships, but chosen family friendships. The kind of friends who remember things about you, who hype you up when you’re start something new, who ask how you really are and stay for the long answer.

There are plenty of new friends to be made. It starts with leaving the crib. Saying yes to the function. Follow up. Invite someone in. Show up again. And repeat.